look no pants
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
