ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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