I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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