I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
