How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize