party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
