Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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