when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
