dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
