I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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