the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
