i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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