I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
