WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
