Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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