i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
