who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
