Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
