I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
