You can't motorboat a personality
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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