True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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