Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
