I'm going to jail i love you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
