If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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