when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
