Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
