More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
