rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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