He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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