Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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