that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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