you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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