he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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