i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
