i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
