Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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