she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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