Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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