the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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