were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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