My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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