hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
