well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
