I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
