I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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