Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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