You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
