don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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