haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
