I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
