i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
