Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
