i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
