I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
