like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
